As a little girl, I dreamed of you. I set you up in my mind to be full of happiness and joy - a craftsman style bungalow with a fenced yard, three kids, a puppy, two cars in the driveway, and two people (one of them was me) who loved each other like Noah and Allie in The Notebook. I viewed you as a vending machine, as if I could push the right buttons and get exactly what I ordered. I placed high expectations upon you and thought that you would be the key to my happiness.
As a naïve young woman, I met you and I was so in love with you. Finally, my name was Wife. For ten years I danced on eggshells with you, terrified that if I wasn't Wife, then I was nothing. I placed you on a pedestal and then I blamed you for not meeting my high expectations and fulfilling my happiness quota. You were my idol and I was blinded by your name and my television based fantasy of what you SHOULD be for me. I didn't nourish you properly or pray for you until it was too late.
After you left, I swore that I would never dream of you again. I was so full of anger and bitterness towards you. You were a dysfunctional vending machine that only dispensed boxes of darkness. I could not see what you really were - a sacred bond that required choice, commitment, and work from two people. I would see you thriving for other couples and, because of my comparisons, I despised you more. I stopped believing that you could ever be on the same page with me.
Over the past four years, I have forgiven you. I have started to pray for you again. I asked you to forgive me. I started learning about you -- the real you that God intended you to be. I am starting to believe in you again, but not in my little girl dreams of you. I have opened up my heart towards you, I have earned a deep respect for you, I have grown because of your absence, and I thank you for every lesson you have taught me.
Even if I never personally meet you again, I believe in you and everything you stand for. I cheer for you in the lives of my friends and family. I pray for you in the life of my daughter. I believe that you are worth the struggles, the late nights, the tears, the joys, and the way you break a heart open for good things.
Prayerfully that my heart continues to grow,
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