i've always loved words and pictures - probably why i'm naturally a scrapbooker. i've always written things. in journals, on random scraps of paper, emails, letters, notes, etc. i have folders full of poetry and stories, quotes, song lyrics...some i've written myself, some i just love because i think the way the words run together are beautiful. one of my favorite classes last semester was imaginative writing. i had forgotten how much i loved to write - i used to write all the time in high school/early college. it was fun (mostly) to write poems and stories again. my instructor was very encouraging and straight forward. i liked that about him. he wasn't a bs'r. he just said what he thought, which on some days made no sense, haha, but that is why i dug him. writing is such a personal thing, you put your heart out there (at least i do) with the things that you say. sometimes people don't get it and sometimes they do. regardless...it's still your heart, your feelings. i'm a very "feely", tender hearted person. i wear my heart on my sleeve and i usually put it all out there. i have learned to embrace it. it's just who i am. so, i've been writing again and it feels so good. it's nice to just get my feelings out on paper. i've been reading more too and have been running across new authors/poets that i really like. and i've been taking pictures again, mostly with my phone. but, i have been pulling out my big camera again, taking random shots. the past year i haven't really taken any photos. everything has just been a big blur, but it feels so good to get the camera out again. to be recording memories again. to be making new memories.
a friend recently said to me, "julie, this is the time for you to be concentrating on yourself. to be finding out what you love, who you are, chasing your dreams, and loving yourself." and she's right. i feel like i've spent the past seven months in a darkness, a numbness. not moving, but still breathing. my counselor says this is absolutely normal and necessary for healing. lately, i've been asking myself - julie, what DO you love? what do you want to do? what are your dreams? and i'm starting to answer and say outloud the things that i want to do. yes, this could be considered talking to myself. haha.
i've been reading "eat, pray, love" and loving it. although her circumstances weren't like mine, i love how honest she is about the healing process. i've been underlining a lot of passages in it. one of my favorites: "if you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about (whatever), you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot - a doorway. and guess what the universe will do with that doorway? it will rush in - god will rush in - and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. so stop using (whatever) to block that door. let it go." so true. easier said than done, but so true.
i wanted to share a poem i've come across that i love by mary oliver (who is my new favorite poet). she puts things in plain terms that i can easily understand. it's called 'wild geese':
you do not have to be good.
you do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
you only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
tell me about despair, yours, and i will tell you mine.
meanwhile the world goes on.
meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
i love that. i think it's so beautiful. there are a few others that i really like too. i feel like i'm just rambling on and on in this blog post, not really saying anything. haha i'm feeling very emotional lately. i have been purging a lot of feelings out in my journals, through music, through words, through pictures. it is healing. i've been seeing hearts like crazy too. and friends have been randomly sending them to me. means a lot. :) so, thank you!